I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.