my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.