when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
