He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize