I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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