he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
