I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
