your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
