..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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