We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
