its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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