i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
