the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
