i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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