How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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