Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
