his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
