those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
