Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
