They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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