Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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