Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
