Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
