Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
