im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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