I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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