seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
