I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Someone shit on the floor
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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