my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
