And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Randomize