I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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