she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
