I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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