I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
