I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
