i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Michael Bay diarrhea
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
