i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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