My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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