ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
