I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dear god my vagina.
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