it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
