I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
