We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
