One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
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You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
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I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
And then he peed in my hair
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