She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
