My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
