i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I did not marry a roomba.
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