Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
