Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
