There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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