I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
