All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
