plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
