i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
