I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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