Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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