i need an iv and a liver transplant
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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